My favorite quote is “Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom ~ O.W.” This comes out of knowing first hand that it’s exhausting to continually run from the pain. Growing up I had a childhood that wasn’t ideal to say it mildly. I learned at a very young age that “I” was what would get me to the next day. I took that character into adult hood and as I went through my days I worked so hard to make sure “I” made it happen. Not just for me but as I aged for my kids and my husband. It was me that would make it safe and secure because I certainly didn’t trust anyone to have that responsibility. Not with me or the ones I loved and felt the need to protect. If I worked hard enough it would take care of us all. And I did financially and for them I was there emotionally too, but as the authoritarian not as the mothering nurturing role. Yet I was the mother. My husband stayed home with our kids. Again that was out of a sense of fear. Not wanting to be in a position of helplessness and homeless as I was so many times as a child. Always Running from one disaster to another. Waking up not knowing where tomorrow would find me at as a child I was determined to never have those fears and to make sure my children didn’t either.
When I hit 50 it became a whirlwind of emotions as I realized how fast the time had gone. How because “I never stopped to smell the Roses” as so many speak of the memories were so faint. The kids are raised and I am exhausted and still broken. The constant running to make sure I had “safe” never really took care of me. It’s like 15 years of abuse as a child came crashing down all around.
I have a mother that still today likes to Guilt you into feeling small. Insignificant in so many ways. Her 14 marriages including one to a man that should rought in Hell wasnt enough. Although she finally found one that was more worthy then she probably deserves and she appears to have found happiness. God forbid if anyone else does.
My mother raised my sister and I both as we are only 16 months apart. I’m the younger. I sit and wonder how I found it in me to “Run” as I call it. Emancipated at 16 is where my running journey began. I had my GED (required as part of the Imancipation process) so my full time employment started then. Started full time at a restaurant and moved up to manager, turning that position into a company I created to clean the entire chain of restaurants. That’s when I saw that entrepreneurial spirit in me. The harder your work the more you get paid.. you want more, you do more, sell more. Self employment was in my blood. It gave me a way to then again be in control of my security. Or so I thought. Again. Always running. Never slowing down to think, process and inevitably to heal.
My sister, she didn’t run, she stayed in the toxic environment and turned to prostitution and drugs. Her entire life starting at about 17. So why me? What gave me that sense to run!! Both from the same cloth, raised the same way.. My answer to that is “I saw God” I know. Your thinking, yeah sure you did. But I did. I was curled up in the corner of my very small bedroom. (The trailer we lived in was 10 ft wide so yes the bedroom was very small) curled up there because the fighting, throwing things and violanance was more then I could bare and I knew if I didn’t run and hide I’d be next.. (Another gem of a husband. I think that was #7) As I cried in that corner begging for another life ( I was 11) I saw a light hovering in front and above me. It was a silhouette of a man with long hair. From that light I heard him say to me, “Follow me, I’ll keep you safe.” From that moment I knew I’d make it out. That man (God) and I had regular conversations, I would get yelled at for talking to myself but I didn’t try to explain I was talking to him. They would never have believed me anyway.
I tried on so many occasions to get my sister to believe that what I saw and who I hear in my head was real and that if we followed the light and the voice in my head, we would both be ok. I can’t explain how I new what directions to take but I always did. The voice in my head guided me. People would ask me “how did you know that” I would just say, I don’t know, it just came to me. This still happens to me today at times. I just trust it and follow. But what I try to do today is heal me from my past. I’m tired of running.. tired of it’s all on me. If I can help just one person to know that running isn’t the answer, that you yourself are not expected to do it all alone, that trusting those around you, that tearing down those walls will give you a more secure emotional base then that too will help me as I heal myself.
I want to write a book. I’ll title it “Growing Up Broken”
What are my biggest accomplishments. I succeeded at? you might ask. I Broke The Cycle.. The Abuse stopped at me.
My sister unfortunately wasn’t so lucky. She had three kids and all three suffered. All adults now they are working on letting go of their violent and abusive pasts. I keep praying for them to hang on strong and pull hard very hard to shut that door permanently.
My next chapter.. only God knows for sure but what I’m sure about is.. I’m no longer running.