Once Abused.. Can’t just Look the other way..

Once again, another sleepless night. Seems to be happening more frequently again..

You see, the way I can understand it for me is when you’ve endured abuse and live through it and gotten out of it, like I have because I fought back and I chose a different path. At a very young age I made that decision that it wasn’t going to define me.. and I won that battle, but where I struggle is seeing it all around me.. Abuse, it takes on so many roles: emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, elder, power.. I’m that person who will speak up and speak out all the time, the disheartening and let’s say exhausting part is watching so many Just Look the other way as if it’s becoming the Normalcy in the world we live in today.

Have we become that nation that so many will take the time to record the abuse rather then step in and stop it.

How many times have I heard, “it’s none of our business” or “it’s not your place” when in Turn I’m saying “It’s not right” or “what if that was you, wouldn’t you want help?”

So for social acceptance am I just supposed to sit down now and except that this is the way it is? If only just one person could feel in my heart and see in my head what I feel and see, I wouldn’t feel so alone..

Somewhere out there someplace there is someone that gets what I’m saying. Someone that is going through what I’m going through. Someone, Someplace, Somewhere… I know I’m not alone in this battle.

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As a Real Estate Professional I have always been the one to grab onto the newest and best Niches in Marketing for my clients. As the Digital world has progressed I have prided myself on staying infront of the ever changing marketing curve. I your in business you have a Message, Story or even a Special of the day to share with people that are within a certain proximity. In todays every changing and busy worlds sharing that message has become increasingly difficult but what if you had a little device that could do the sharing for you? Well now you can and I couldn’t be more excited to spread this message of marketing mastery with all of you.

 

 

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Growing up Broken; Learning Not To Run 

My favorite quote is “Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom ~ O.W.” This comes out of knowing first hand that it’s exhausting to continually run from the pain.     Growing up I had a childhood that wasn’t ideal to say it mildly. I learned at a very young age that “I” was what would get me to the next day. I took that character into adult hood and as I went through my days I worked so hard to make sure “I” made it happen. Not just for me but as I aged for my kids and my husband. It was me that would make it safe and secure because I certainly didn’t trust anyone to have that responsibility. Not with me or the ones I loved and felt the need to protect. If I worked hard enough it would take care of us all. And I did financially and for them I was there emotionally too, but as the authoritarian not as the mothering nurturing role. Yet I was the mother. My husband stayed home with our kids. Again that was out of a sense of fear. Not wanting to be in a position of helplessness and homeless as I was so many times as a child. Always Running from one disaster to another. Waking up not knowing where tomorrow would find me at as a child I was determined to never have those fears and to make sure my children didn’t either. 

     When I hit 50 it became a whirlwind of emotions as I realized how fast the time had gone. How because “I never stopped to smell the Roses” as so many speak of the memories were so faint. The kids are raised and I am exhausted and still broken. The constant running to make sure I had “safe” never really took care of me. It’s like 15 years of abuse as a child came crashing down all around. 

     I have a mother that still today likes to Guilt you into feeling small. Insignificant in so many ways. Her 14 marriages including one to a man that should rought in Hell wasnt enough. Although she finally found one that was more worthy then she probably deserves and she appears to have found happiness. God forbid if anyone else does. 

     My mother raised my sister and I both as we are only 16 months apart. I’m the younger. I sit and wonder how I found it in me to “Run” as I call it. Emancipated at 16 is where my running journey began. I had my GED (required as part of the Imancipation process) so my full time employment started then. Started full time at a restaurant and moved up to manager, turning that position into a company I created to clean the entire chain of restaurants. That’s when I saw that entrepreneurial spirit in me. The harder your work the more you get paid.. you want more, you do more, sell more. Self employment was in my blood. It gave me a way to then again be in control of my security. Or so I thought. Again. Always running. Never slowing down to think, process and inevitably to heal. 

     My sister, she didn’t run, she stayed in the toxic environment and turned to prostitution and drugs. Her entire life starting at about 17. So why me? What gave me that sense to run!! Both from the same cloth, raised the same way.. My answer to that is “I saw God” I know. Your thinking, yeah sure you did. But I did. I was curled up in the corner of my very small bedroom. (The trailer we lived in was 10 ft wide so yes the bedroom was very small) curled up there because the fighting, throwing things and violanance was more then I could bare and I knew if I didn’t run and hide I’d be next.. (Another gem of a husband. I think that was #7) As I cried in that corner begging for another life ( I was 11) I saw a light hovering in front and above me. It was a silhouette of a man with long hair. From that light I heard him say to me, “Follow me, I’ll keep you safe.” From that moment I knew I’d make it out. That man (God) and I had regular conversations, I would get yelled at for talking to myself but I didn’t try to explain I was talking to him. They would never have believed me anyway. 


I tried on so many occasions to get my sister to believe that what I saw and who I hear in my head was real and that if we followed the light and the voice in my head, we would both be ok. I can’t explain how I new what directions to take but I always did. The voice in my head guided me. People would ask me “how did you know that” I would just say, I don’t know, it just came to me. This still happens to me today at times. I just trust it and follow. But what I try to do today is heal me from my past. I’m tired of running.. tired of it’s all on me. If I can help just one person to know that running isn’t the answer, that you yourself are not expected to do it all alone, that trusting those around you, that tearing down those walls will give you a more secure emotional base then that too will help me as I heal myself.  

I want to write a book. I’ll title it “Growing Up Broken”

     What are my biggest accomplishments. I succeeded at? you might ask. I Broke The Cycle.. The Abuse stopped at me. 

My sister unfortunately wasn’t so lucky. She had three kids and all three suffered. All adults now they are working on letting go of their violent and abusive pasts. I keep praying for them to hang on strong and pull hard very hard to shut that door permanently. 

     My next chapter.. only God knows for sure but what I’m sure about is.. I’m no longer running.  

Has Facebook replaced real True Showing of Emotional Gratitude, Love and Celebration..

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As I sit here and see all my wall flooded with the I love you’s and Be My Valentine, I have to wonder.. Are all those people actually expressing their love for their significant other.. or is it just a post.. and nothing else.. And I think this during all the Gushy posts.. Are people still going the extra mile for Birthdays and Anniversaries that they used to.. How many actually think a Facebook post actually cancels everything else out..  Or is it really just a attempt to make them feel like they did something special or to make them look amazing to their facebook friends whom they seem to clinch to for the appreciation that they might be missing at home, probably because they stopped showing the people they love, that they really love them in person rather than on facebook.. Think about it for a while..

Now to me Valentines Day has never been that important because I believe to have a strong relationship that your significant other needs to feel special everyday.. Not just one day a year.. That just for no reason the I love you’s should be shown and the little displays of gratitude and affection need to happen all the time.. Not just on a Day in February..

But for all those people out there that are Taking the Time to Rally your love for that special person.. I challenge you to do something amazing for them.. Something that makes them feel special.. Something that makes them smile.. Doing something like this doesn’t mean you have to spend a lot of money.. Just do it in person.. not just on Facebook…

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Seahawks .. To me they are not just a team..

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I remember when the Seahawks launched the Franchise in 1976.. All the excitement.. I was 11.. I was living in Port Angeles Washington which is just across the Bay from Seattle.. Until the late 20’s I lived in the State of Washington and grew up a Seahawks fan.. At 18 is when it changed to rarely missing a game with friends.. Dave Kreig was the Quarterback at the time..  Life goes on and I met my Husband, who is a Raider fan.. He swore he would convert me.. at 28 We moved back to his hometown in Northern California and he was even more convinced he would sway my passion to the Oakland Raiders.. Not a chance..

It all became more than a sport when the Seahawks made it to the Superbowl Feb. 5, 2006.. Of course I was planning a Superbowl party and the morning was very busy.. Now for anyone to understand the magnitude of what I will be explaining next I need to first tell you, I had never met personally my birth father.. I knew who he was and for 10 years (yes, I will live with this regret my whole life, that is, that it was never made a priority to get together personally.. We both kept saying next year.. never thinking that next year would never come) but we talked on the phone and shared emails pretty regularly.. The morning of Superbowl XL my dad called to say he was rooting for my team.. not a big football fan himself but he knew how much I loved my Seahawks and he called to wish me well. To say he loved me and that he was Routing for my Hawks.. I was busy and we talked but I told him I had a few more things to do to get ready for guests and we said goodbye.. We got to Exchange “I love You’s” that one last time.  My dad went for a walk with his dogs just after the call and when he didn’t return they went looking for him and found him on the sidewalk.. He had a massive heart attack.. He had passed away.. The phone rang just as guests were arriving and I looked at the caller id and remember thinking as I answered it ” you know I am busy ” but it wasn’t him.. it was my Aunt to tell me what had happened and that he was gone. I was standing in the kitchen and I hit the floor.. He was gone..

My husband took over from there and as people arrived he explained what happened as I stayed in my room the remainder of the day.. I didn’t even watch the game.. In fact in an attempt to not go through the pain I guess I stopped watching them play all together. It was a reminder of what was lost.. the regret for putting off something so important that I can never get back.. it was just easier not to watch.

A few years ago, something finally hit me.. Rather then looking at the glass half empty, I needed to be thankful for what I did have and that the Seahawks gave that to me.. That one last phone call with my DAD.. You see that phone call wouldn’t have happened with out that Super Bowl appearance that day.. and Do I believe that God played a part in that phone call.. absolutely..

For all the people out their, Niner fans, Bronco Fans, Sherman haters.. whoever you are that like to harass and put down people with a passion.. Look deeper.. you might just see that for some it is more than just a game.. it is more than who is going to be the winner. Getting their, both teams are winners.. and just because they are their, what ever teams they are..lives change and hopefully they change for the better.. Glass half full.. never half empty..

Go Hawks.. I will forever be thankful for what this team gave me that one Superbowl Sunday.. 8 years ago.. RIP James Dale Agan 7/12/43 ~ 2/5/2006

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Enrich your life in many ways.. Find a Church home.. The Message you hear might just be for you <3

This was the Worship Service at my Church a few Sundays ago.. As I sat there and listened to Pastor Randy, I heard his message loud and clear and it also hit home that these 4 principles are key to our success in so many areas of our lives.. If you are in Modesto I challenge you to come to “The Well” Church.. The teachings there will most importantly strengthen your spiritual life.. Give you a strong relationship with God, and quite possibly Change your life.. if you are not in Modesto you can watch the Worship Service from “The Well” at https://vimeo.com/78270523 God Bless and I hope to see you at The Well ♥

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Sermon-102713 from The Well on Vimeo.

Sermon-102713 from The Well on Vimeo.

You know when you get that feeling.. Something bad is going to happen..

11 months ago when I had to make a tough decision and walk away from a company that I really did truly love when I started.. It was because of what was happening around me, and because my inner voice was telling me this is going to blow up and blow up big and I want no part of it.. I love the Industry of Direct Sales.. Just as I Love Real Estate,  you find another home you just don’t quit when a company doesn’t fit you…. Those that know me in Real Estate know that change doesn’t scare me.. What was scary in Direct Sales and leaving Visalus was I had to walk away from a team I loved .. I was making good money.. Most of my working team members were making money.. Money each and every one of us needed for our families..  but for me it wasn’t worth my sleep, conscience and integrity.. now I am not saying that those that stayed even though they saw the dogs being enrolled, the fake orders and all the hype.. They truly just don’t see it being a wrong thing to do.. To me it was so wrong and just as I would have walked away from that “Wrong” deal in Real Estate.. I walked away from Visalus.. Now, Financially it hurt.. We had to sell our TOYS.. (RV, MotorCycles) we had for years, to put money back in our household to keep a roof over our head.. I had days when I was like.. I should have just stayed.. maybe my little voice was over reacting.. But todays video shows that is not the case..

The Article from MLM helpdesk Website can be found at http://mlmhelpdesk.com/breaking-mlm-news-visalus-hit-with-rico-alligations-how-will-this-affect-byth-stock-or-cvsl-bid-to-buy-blyth/#

And yes I read all 60 pages.. I sat here and read the same stories that were happening to me and I have never talked to these people.. it makes me think.. How many others are out there…I don’t know.. It does sadden me.. but then as the Pastor at my Church said this weekend.. What doesn’t break you.. Strengthens you.. That your setback was to position you for your comeback.. You learn along the way.. I know that I have a lot to offer this industry.. The Truthful side..  If you are thinking about the industry of direct sales.. don’t let this scare you away from it.. do your research and pick the company based on the people you can trust.. get to know them.. ask questions and chose the Who.. not the what.. Put your Heart and Soul into it.. Stay True and lead with Integrity.. and just don’t quit.. You will find success..

I am glad I listened to my inner voice.. but at the same time I am sad for all the people I love,who are still at Visalus.. Keeping everyone in my prayers.. Be Blessed ❤