Growing up Broken..

There has just been a few times in my life I’ve opened up publicly about all I’ve been through. All I’ve walked away from and all I’ve turned my back on. I never look back or use the past as a crutch. I always keep moving forward. I don’t dwell on all I’ve been though even though at times I have to push it back down when the pain from the past starts to creep out of my inner soul.

Sometimes there seems to be no reason for the memories that cause the anxiety to shows it’s painful way to the surface and other times people whom chose to not put the abusive and violent ways behind them try to come at you and in some ways as if to try to guilt me into their failures or lack of strength to walk away like I did. They treat me like I was given a “break” to make it out of the viscous cycle I was born into.

The only break I got was a broken back.. literally.. No one handed me anything, not even a reached out hand.. I made the choice to find the path that took me out of that past I have worked so hard to put behind me.When I think about it though I have to give credit to one event. A event that shaped the beginning of the process of me changing and choosing a different path. It was the Day I saw Jesus. I know. You think I’m crazy. It was a day Like so many others.. fighting, yelling, beating in a trailer we lived in that was 10 ft wide maybe. The bedrooms very small. A twin bed along one wall that took up almost the entire width of the room, but there was just enough for my little body at 11 years old to fit between the wall and the end of the bed. I hid there repeating to myself ” I don’t want this life. God please help me” I remember saying it over and over and then I heard a mans voice speaking softly but firmly “This is not the life you have to have” I heard him say “I will always be by your side if you always hear me I will Lead you out” looking up from the corner of the floor where I was hiding, towards the door, I saw a light in the shape of a man.. I remember sitting there and a peaceful calm came over me. It was from that moment I knew to listen intently and I will find my way out. And that has been what I have done. For nearly 42 years now that’s been my roadmap. I talk to him daily and many times I get caught. People say, are you talking to yourself and I just say yes. But I know I’m talking to him. And I know he listens.

Years can go by and all is good and then something comes up that brings it all back.

Then I’m trapped in this spiral of feelings .. yes it’s family, but it’s family that if I stayed anywhere near them, their addictions, abusive behaviors and unlawful activities would have drug me down with them. Multiple prison terms for many of them, years and years and years of drug abuse and drug trafficking, prostitution for some has caught up to them. One in the Hospital tetoring at deaths door, another one homeless but still choosing to use and abuse .. and somehow it comes back to me as “My Fault” or “My Responsibility” to make life better for them, yet never, not once did they ever set out to make a better life for themselves.

What I needed today as I woke up to this was the day God provided for me. A day with what I know is most important. A day that is hard to make happen as my kids are adults. But today out of know where it came together and it was so needed. A reminder to me why I took the path I took. The path that led me to a loving husband and two beautiful kids that love their family. Kids that unlike me never saw the ugliness I saw as a child.

I stopped the cycle of abuse. I broke the odds. Today was a reminder to me that I did the right thing. And I’m not done. God put me on this path of strong and virtuous life to change this World where I can and I know I’m not done.

Tonight I’ll go to bed thankful for today and prayful for tomorrow. To know what direction or path to take as one life could be coming to a end. I pray that somehow God has been on the same path with them too.

If your out there and you think you want to break the cycle of abuse. Please trust God and find your strength to do it for you and for those you can bring into this world because you did.

Once Abused.. Can’t just Look the other way..

Once again, another sleepless night. Seems to be happening more frequently again..

You see, the way I can understand it for me is when you’ve endured abuse and live through it and gotten out of it, like I have because I fought back and I chose a different path. At a very young age I made that decision that it wasn’t going to define me.. and I won that battle, but where I struggle is seeing it all around me.. Abuse, it takes on so many roles: emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, elder, power.. I’m that person who will speak up and speak out all the time, the disheartening and let’s say exhausting part is watching so many Just Look the other way as if it’s becoming the Normalcy in the world we live in today.

Have we become that nation that so many will take the time to record the abuse rather then step in and stop it.

How many times have I heard, “it’s none of our business” or “it’s not your place” when in Turn I’m saying “It’s not right” or “what if that was you, wouldn’t you want help?”

So for social acceptance am I just supposed to sit down now and except that this is the way it is? If only just one person could feel in my heart and see in my head what I feel and see, I wouldn’t feel so alone..

Somewhere out there someplace there is someone that gets what I’m saying. Someone that is going through what I’m going through. Someone, Someplace, Somewhere… I know I’m not alone in this battle.

Growing up Broken; Learning Not To Run 

My favorite quote is “Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom ~ O.W.” This comes out of knowing first hand that it’s exhausting to continually run from the pain.     Growing up I had a childhood that wasn’t ideal to say it mildly. I learned at a very young age that “I” was what would get me to the next day. I took that character into adult hood and as I went through my days I worked so hard to make sure “I” made it happen. Not just for me but as I aged for my kids and my husband. It was me that would make it safe and secure because I certainly didn’t trust anyone to have that responsibility. Not with me or the ones I loved and felt the need to protect. If I worked hard enough it would take care of us all. And I did financially and for them I was there emotionally too, but as the authoritarian not as the mothering nurturing role. Yet I was the mother. My husband stayed home with our kids. Again that was out of a sense of fear. Not wanting to be in a position of helplessness and homeless as I was so many times as a child. Always Running from one disaster to another. Waking up not knowing where tomorrow would find me at as a child I was determined to never have those fears and to make sure my children didn’t either. 

     When I hit 50 it became a whirlwind of emotions as I realized how fast the time had gone. How because “I never stopped to smell the Roses” as so many speak of the memories were so faint. The kids are raised and I am exhausted and still broken. The constant running to make sure I had “safe” never really took care of me. It’s like 15 years of abuse as a child came crashing down all around. 

     I have a mother that still today likes to Guilt you into feeling small. Insignificant in so many ways. Her 14 marriages including one to a man that should rought in Hell wasnt enough. Although she finally found one that was more worthy then she probably deserves and she appears to have found happiness. God forbid if anyone else does. 

     My mother raised my sister and I both as we are only 16 months apart. I’m the younger. I sit and wonder how I found it in me to “Run” as I call it. Emancipated at 16 is where my running journey began. I had my GED (required as part of the Imancipation process) so my full time employment started then. Started full time at a restaurant and moved up to manager, turning that position into a company I created to clean the entire chain of restaurants. That’s when I saw that entrepreneurial spirit in me. The harder your work the more you get paid.. you want more, you do more, sell more. Self employment was in my blood. It gave me a way to then again be in control of my security. Or so I thought. Again. Always running. Never slowing down to think, process and inevitably to heal. 

     My sister, she didn’t run, she stayed in the toxic environment and turned to prostitution and drugs. Her entire life starting at about 17. So why me? What gave me that sense to run!! Both from the same cloth, raised the same way.. My answer to that is “I saw God” I know. Your thinking, yeah sure you did. But I did. I was curled up in the corner of my very small bedroom. (The trailer we lived in was 10 ft wide so yes the bedroom was very small) curled up there because the fighting, throwing things and violanance was more then I could bare and I knew if I didn’t run and hide I’d be next.. (Another gem of a husband. I think that was #7) As I cried in that corner begging for another life ( I was 11) I saw a light hovering in front and above me. It was a silhouette of a man with long hair. From that light I heard him say to me, “Follow me, I’ll keep you safe.” From that moment I knew I’d make it out. That man (God) and I had regular conversations, I would get yelled at for talking to myself but I didn’t try to explain I was talking to him. They would never have believed me anyway. 


I tried on so many occasions to get my sister to believe that what I saw and who I hear in my head was real and that if we followed the light and the voice in my head, we would both be ok. I can’t explain how I new what directions to take but I always did. The voice in my head guided me. People would ask me “how did you know that” I would just say, I don’t know, it just came to me. This still happens to me today at times. I just trust it and follow. But what I try to do today is heal me from my past. I’m tired of running.. tired of it’s all on me. If I can help just one person to know that running isn’t the answer, that you yourself are not expected to do it all alone, that trusting those around you, that tearing down those walls will give you a more secure emotional base then that too will help me as I heal myself.  

I want to write a book. I’ll title it “Growing Up Broken”

     What are my biggest accomplishments. I succeeded at? you might ask. I Broke The Cycle.. The Abuse stopped at me. 

My sister unfortunately wasn’t so lucky. She had three kids and all three suffered. All adults now they are working on letting go of their violent and abusive pasts. I keep praying for them to hang on strong and pull hard very hard to shut that door permanently. 

     My next chapter.. only God knows for sure but what I’m sure about is.. I’m no longer running.  

Taking a Negative and Making it a Positive..

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I came a crossed this video on my Facebook feed this morning and it really made me think.. As a Child growing up I did not have the childhood experiences that most have.. but it is something I never talk about.. It has always amazed me when I hear people blaming their past for their present.. it actually quietly infuriates me.. Why, Because at a very young age I realized with what I credit God for, showing me that “I can be the change I want to see in my life..” I can break the cycle, the circle, what ever the Buzz word in Psychology today is.. I was about 11 years old.. From the moment  I had that message delivered to me in a spiritual way as I sit in the corner of my bedroom crying in fear I knew “I had to be the Change” The message that came to me in a bright light was just what Aurora said in this video..”Take the negatives and make them positive” “You don’t have to have this life”

As I look back and think of how things have evolved it takes a lot to just really think about what could have been..Those memories are buried deep within and I just don’t like to think about it.. but when I think of the other possible outcome and I have a vivid picture of what could have been and I will explain that later.. It is a sad reminder that all though over the past few years things changed directions on me, Economy driven mostly.. I sit here almost angry that I am not where I wanted to be.. but I need to remember how far I have come.. and embrace that.. Even in this economic downturn there is a positive.. I am meeting new people whom I already adore.. I am learning new things and this path very well could take us to a whole new level that could never have happened without this change.. Take the Negatives and Make them Positives..

Now for the people out there that are wondering about, Was it really that bad.. Think of it this way.. I have one sister whom I was raised with.. She is 15 months older.. She had her first child at 15, Was in Prostitution by the age of 18. Dropped of school at 15, Drugs, 2 more kids that she never raised as the state took them from her..spent most of her adult life in jail and prison and now she is on permanent disability living on merely Govt. help.. Choices.. The only difference.. I chose a different path..And believe me when I say that for years I tried to pull her up with me..she just had no desire to be better..  As far as my mother whom no matter what ” she did the best she could “. She found the love of her life on marriage # 14.. You got to hand it to her for never giving up.. It was not what she did that caused so much damage to us girls.. It was what she allowed the men she was with to do to her girls that caused the damage..

All I can say to the people out there that might be struggling.. Fight through it and be the example of change.. Only you can make that difference.. thank you Aurora for making me remember.. and giving me the courage to at least tell part of my story.. As this is more than I have ever told.. You are my blessing today..

God Bless